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| 1988 |
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Born in New York on October 04, 1988.
On the way to the hospital, the day before Lauren was born, my husband and I were naturally nervous. Somehow we lost a hubcap. Under normal circumstances we would have pulled over to try to find the hubcap, but these were not normal circumstances. We kept going. A few weeks later my husband found a hubcap to replace the one we had lost. It didn't match, but we didn't care. I kept that car for a long time and everytime I saw that mismatched hubcap I thought of how happy and nervous we were on that day. Many people offered to find a matching hubcap, but I always said it was ok the way it was. That little mismatched hubcap had so many memories of happy times, especially after Lauren's father died.
Lauren was born on a Tuesday, and according to Mother Goose, "Tuesday's child is full of Grace." And she was. When she entered this world, she brought amazing love and happiness to all of us. She was a gift from God, perfect, with 10 little toes, 10 tiny fingers, a tiny bit of reddish-blond hair, and puffy cheeks. We felt truly blessed. (When she was older and she saw the color of her hair as an infant, she was happy that her hair did not stay reddish blond, and for years she was a natural, almost platinum blond.)
Shortly after she was born we were told she wasn't as perfect as we thought. It was quickly determined that she was born with a heart defect. We struggled with our fears, took her to the cardiologist regularly and prayed (especially her Grandma Pacenta). As Lauren grew, it became less serious, and we were greatly relieved. Everyday of her life, my love grew, and I only wanted to do what was best for her.
Lauren was born at 6:33 am and she seemed so tiny (7 lbs) and so amazing. Her daddy counted fingers and toes. We were so happy but very afraid of this little bundle. For the first week, daddy cooked the meals, did the laundry, and was absolutely wonderful. He was comfortable changing Lauren and bathing her. He swaddled her similar to the way the hospital swaddled her and she seemed to like it.
Auntie Jeanie came to help the second week when Lauren's daddy went back to work. She was a tremendous help and gave Lauren her first bath in the baby tub.
Our little dog Wickett was never more than twelve inches from Lauren. Wickett seemed to think Lauren was her puppy. She tried so hard to sleep in the bassinet with Lauren. When I sat on the sofa with Lauren, Wickett was right beside me. If Lauren's father was holding her, changing her, or bathing her, Wickett was right there.
Lauren at three months
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| 1988 |
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Visits with Grandparents
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| March 25, 1989 |
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Baptized at St. Luke's Episcopal Church, Somers NY
She was baptized on Easter Even - a beautiful service. My sisters, Jeanie and Crystal were her sponsors.
Before her Baptism
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| 1994 |
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First communion at St. Luke's Episcopal Church in Somers, NY. |
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| 1991-1995 |
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Lauren attended the Kiwi School - in the program for the 3 year olds, then the 4 year olds and then full day kindergarten. She loved this nursery school and kindergarten. She loved the teachers,especially Inez. She also loved Lou and H, Karla and Ivan, the family that owned the Kiwi School and Camp Kiwi. She made many friends and looked forward to going to school. |
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| March 22, 2002 |
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Became a member of Trinity United Methodist Church. |
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| 2005 |
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Passed away on November 23, 2005 at the age of 17. Death ruled a homicide. Investigation continued for almost two years. As of today, there is no resolution, just continuances and delays.
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| 2006 |
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On Sunday, October first, I placed flowers on the alter in our church in her memory and to honor her birthday.
Sunflowers and Daisies for my Daughter
on her 18th Birthday
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| Christmas 2006 - It was a blue Christmas for me without you |
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It was a blue Christmas without you sweetheart.........
I remember all the fun things we did when decorating, you were always so excited about the season. We hid a special angel ornament in the tree for the other to find and have special good luck. When you were younger, you decorated the bottom of the tree and I did the top of the tree. You played Christmas music and we had such fun. The tree was full of ornaments that you made.
At night, we would lie in your bed in the dark, watching for the twinkling of the Christmas fairies, just like I did as a child.
As you grew older and we went to the candle light services at church, we tried to keep our candles lit as long as possible after leaving church, again just like I did as a child. I love you sweetheart and treasure our our time spent together and the beautiful memories.
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| Grief |
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A GRIEVING MOTHER'S WISH LIST
I wish you would not be afraid to speak Lauren’s name. She lived and was important,
and I need to hear her name,
and I need to share memories of her.
If I cry and get emotional when we talk about Lauren, I wish you knew that it isn't because
you hurt me: the fact that she died causes my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good cry my grief is all over.
Being bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, fear, hopelessness, short term memory loss, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over
in 6 months or even a year. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "formerly bereaved", but forevermore be recovering from my bereavement.
I wish you wouldn't expect my family's grief to be over in 6 months or even a year. The first year will be full of firsts without Lauren, who was a loving member of our family. They too may cry and have emotional outbursts. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or any specific length of time to grieve the tragic loss of a beloved family member.
I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight, lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
Lauren’s birthday, the anniversary of her death and the holidays can be terrible times for my family and me. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking of us and Lauren on these days. And if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about Lauren and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
I wish you would understand that I have to hurt before I can heal.
I wish you wouldn't tell me you understand how I feel, because unless you have lost a child, you couldn't possibly understand my pain.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my beloved Lauren died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature trying to redefine myself with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know this different me -- I'm the one who'll be here from now on.
I wish you knew how much the loving support I receive from my family and special friends means to me. I don't think I would have made it this far without them.
--Author to Original Poem Unknown -- |
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